you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just high enough for therapy.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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