Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
