i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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