Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
