ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
foreskin is a definite game changer
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
