my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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