we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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