i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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