god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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