My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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