if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
