Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize