you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
