im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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