You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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