Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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