Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
