I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
