You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
