apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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