if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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