god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
