Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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