i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Randomize
