He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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