I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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