I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
