I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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