if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
