i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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