Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
