I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Is Oprah even human
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
