so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize