the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
