Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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