I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
