It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I will be naked everywhere
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
