I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize