hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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