I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
