my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
