How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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