Taylor Swift is so right about you.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
