I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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