I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
