don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
