I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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