I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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