I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
