I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
His nipple licking is glorious
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