its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize