i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
