woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
