God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
