Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
