Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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