apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
