Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
