did you get engaged???
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
