I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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