420 ftw
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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