I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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